Storytime... (KISS)

...the twisted little way I have of writing...

Friday, March 04, 2011

Loaded Questions 11

. What do you think about when you are alone? I found myself alone again last night and it hit me that I was alone for once. I spend so much time getting things done that I forget how alone I actually am most the time. Between work and getting rides back and forth to whatever errands I need to run; doctors appts and maintaining the friendships that are important to me... I forget to remind myself that I'm the only one in my own head. I have privacy up there.
. I was sitting alone in the dark, staring at the panorama I've seen for years now and I realized I'm more alone than I seem to be. I spend time with lots of people but no one underrstands. Most of the time I feel like I'm having conversations with myself. I start a conversation with one person, two days later have an revelation and with someone else re-visit the topic or elaborate it or develop it, two days later come to a conclusion on the topic with someone else and the conversation evolves into a subject matter that at the time seems related but at the onset of the conversation would have made no sense. Think of my intellectual life as that last sentence: long, convoluted, complex, run-on, even a bit painful.
. I thought to myself as I sat in the dark about conversations with myself. How I'm the only one with real opportunity anymore to follow the conversations I have. I do kind of miss having a companion who was always there a second mind to add sanity to a world that honestly is currently making me question my present reality. I thought about the friends I've had in the past who have enjoyed my company enoguh to hear fully some of those conversations I have had with myself; in the fragments that they happen, group by group, night by night. I closed my eyes to the picture I've seen a thousand times and could still see it as I sat there in the dark. I thought of those friends, some dead, some gone, most too far gone. I felt phantom arms around me and I began to cry. It hurt to not actually feel those arms. I didn't want to be alone and in the moment savored every second of the lonliness.
. I don't want to go through the pain of caring about someone then hurting them accidentally or just by being myself, by not being the person they want to believe I am. I'm tired of being someone's prize. Being chased. Being on some pedistal somewhere. I want to be someone's best friend. I miss having that best friend to call and tell about something stupid that just happened, having that friend whose arms I can wrap around me when I'm weak and I need to cry. Who smiles at me when I'm feeling confident and strong. A friend who doesn't do/get things for me because I'm different. Who I don't have to worry about leaving home alone like a puppy who isn't paper trained because they don't know what to do without me. A friend who has their own life who can converge their life with mine on occation and who is perfectly happy living seperate lives. A friend.
. I don't have a true friend. So I fill my free time, keep busy so I don't have to come to the painful realization so often that I'm alone. When I have those moments; quiet ones, sitting alone in the dark, thinking about conversations with myself. I always have the same conversation. How I just want a friend. If I had that friend, a constant... I'm sick of that conversation. I started talking to the inanimate object that's been there for me through so much now. You're my loyal friend, you never complain when I get quiet and you isten when I need to talk. You never judge me and you are there for me when I need you at the drop of a hat. I only wish I could meet your needs too. Imagining friends now, and even in those relationships I'm the inadequate failure. I must be crazy. Either that or just really desperate for a true friend, which would at least explain my most recent mistakes.
. I was glad to be alone though. For once a chance to breathe, without fear or consequence, to relax and feel somber. To be away from all the people who want to be my friend and don't make the cut. I'm tired of people who just want to sleep with me.

Loaded Questions 09

. I'm probably the dangerous outgoing curious and risky type. Example: If all I had to survive anywhere was a knife, I dobut I'd last too long. Sure I'd hunt and kill and make shelter and fire that's all well and good. My problem would come with the other things I'd do/eat. Mmm these berries look good.... I'd probably run into some serious trouble before long. But hey, the outback sounds like a perfect place to test the theory. There are however some people whose idea of roughing it is room service. I can't stand the image I get of that perspective. You mean the years you've spent caring for your children keeping a home all without room service has been downright primitive? Has been unacceptable? Unrewarding? Moreover you expect to be compensated for the inconvenience? Would you like a massage with that?
. Speaking of massage I have a friend just got through school and training to be a masseuse. She's a lovely person, looking for work if anyone's interested in an hour or two of her time. I tend to think, or at least be told I give a decent massage. I have been paid for it though I've had no formal training. I wouldn't mind learning the muscle structures and nerve structures that those learned masseuses know but I'm not sure I'd pay for it. It's a lot of anatomy, physiology, and believe it or not history form what I can gather. And the knowledge base is phenominal. Silly me, all I know how to do is find a tense muscle that's deeper, rub till the person either starts or stops making noise and kneed to soften the muscle layer just below the skin just to relax a person. But ya know what I'd really like to learn in this field. I find the muscle anatomy of the foot to be intriguing. So many twists and turns, so tiny, yet so very sensitive.
. When I was a kid, a person I never respected and never will tried learning foot massage, the official version. ah childhood... What do you get when you cross cheese with heavy whipping cream... back then I never could eat yougurt not to mention any other dairy product either. I never got enough calcium in my diet; still don't. Now yougurt's a staple part of my diet as it's one of the few dairy products my stomach doesn't complain about trying to handle. I really only like yoplait's strawberry especially the fluffy, fatty stuff. When you stirr it up it tastes like flavoured whip cream. :)
. Pardon the sudden silly mood but hehe... I said cream. *snigker*
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