SURF Proposal
SUCCESSFUL PUBLICATION
A research project by Senior;
Psychology/English Double-Major:
Shannon Hollender (GPA: 2.3767)
Supervised and guided by Dr. T. Sheckels
Submitted by: 3/3/06
Statement of Research Question to be addressed –
Publishing a book is one thing, what the interest and focus here is intended to show is how one would go about the process of publishing for a profit. I intend to examine the ins and outs of marketing a new book, examine the latest sales of literature, and to learn how to produce a work of short fiction that would indeed conform to the demands of the market and would sell. The Question is: What sells? The goal is to learn how to, and to put it into practice. Ultimately I hope to publish a book by the end of this summer and see it sell for profit. The higher goal is the benefit of knowledge in this field and task.
Background –
Self-Publishing is an ever innovative field, one which requires a lot of marketing skill and a lot of know how, and the only way to really acquire this knowledge is to get out there and do it yourself. I plan on doing just that, but before-hand I read these three books which helped me understand this concept and will be of immense use to me when it comes to trying to get this experiment off the ground and out there:
Bernard, Andre, ed. Rotten Rejections. Ossining, New York: Pushcart P, 1990. In this book Bernard offers a compilation of several examples of works which were submitted to be published and were rejected. The rejection letters themselves are included in the text and show what publishers say about particular works and why they cannot publish them. This is a useful text in that it allows for a broad sweeping overview of what cannot or would not get published and why. It exemplifies why certain works get that final rejection and allows me to better understand what I should avoid in submitting, how I should pitch it, and what is likely to be met with failure and thereby what is likely to be granted publication.
Curtis, Richard, and William T. Quick. How to get your E-Book Published. Ed. Donya Dickerson. Cincinnati, OH.: F&W Publications, Inc., 2002. This book by Curtis and Quick is a comprehensive and in-depth guide to all the knowledge one could ask for concerning the production marketing and distribution of e-books. It goes into gory detail about how one is to protect their rights and works and it guides one to a thorough understanding of what the many, many options are for e-publishing. This piece acknowledges that this is a new field and serves to really educate the reader on what, how, why and any other questions one poses or could pose about e-book publication. It is a comprehensive and useful guide, though thick in content, which will aid me in understanding this option of publication and distribution.
John, Dessauer P. Book Publishing What it is, What it Does. New York, N. Y.: R. R. Bowker Co., 1977. This book, by Dessauer, is laid out in such a way as to outline is clear and concise detain the ins and outs of the business of book publishing. The intention of this book is to offer a broad perspective in detail and fortunately unfortunate obsessive-compulsive organization on what goes into the production, finance, editing, marketing and many of the other operations of press. This is a concise and information-laden book that will prove an invaluably useful book in my endeavours to streamline that process of getting a book to publish and sell in a summer. The value of this book to my research I cannot convey. It has become a stellar resource to me and it will further prove to guide me through the thick of this project. This book has been and will further prove to be the device which will lead this ground-breaking endeavour of mine to a sure success.
List of References –
Bernard, Andre, ed. Rotten Rejections. Ossining, New York: Pushcart P, 1990.
Curtis, Richard, and William T. Quick. How to get your E-Book Published. Ed. Donya Dickerson. Cincinnati, OH.: F&W Publications, Inc., 2002.
John, Dessauer P. Book Publishing What it is, What it Does. New York, N. Y.: R. R. Bowker Co., 1977.
Methodology/Plan of work –
The research procedure is less scientific and more timeline, outlined here is what will in practice feel like an insanely intense schedule. It seems to be not so bad here but remember there are going to be travel times, intensive researching, constant editing, and the like going on in between the subsequent mentioned deadlines. It is expected that upwards of over 18 publishers will be approached before all is said and done.
As the program will take place from Monday, June 12, 2006 to Friday, August 11, 2006 the following deadlines are set to be met and adhered to so as to ensure acceptable progress and quality research. These are however, projected ideals for progress. As I have never done this before on this kind of level, I expect that my generalizations here are highly optimistic.
June:
Week 1&2:
The goals for this and the next week include:
● Finalize editing a polished “demo” version of the book to be sent to prospective publishers.
● Compile a list of publishers and their contact information.
● Learn, for application, the job of an agent in the process of publishing
The remainder of the time these weeks is to be dedicated to research which includes:
● Research.
● Interviewing agents and publishers.
● Learn the “how-to” process of initiating publication.
Week 3&4:
While these weeks need to be dedicated to:
● Contacting, setting up appointments with, and seeing publishers.
● Editing and polishing continues.
● Research continues.
● Demo copies will be sent to publishers.
July:
Week 1&2:
The first of these two weeks, since it does contain a holiday is to be dedicated to catching up on any research, documentation or publisher-related interactions set out thus-far.
The second week is dedicated to analyzing and responding to critiques about the work’s content.
Week 3&4:
These two weeks are dedicated to pursuing e-book publication.
● Research will have already been done on this; these two weeks are for pursuit.
August:
Week 1:
Compiling what was learned is the goal here. Failure at this point is understood for publication acceptance; but it is seen as a learning experience, which is the point.
Materials list –
Books (obviously only those not found in Library) 80
Gas for interviews 80
Gas for errands 65
Paper for print outs 30
Meal with serious prospective publisher 30
Meal with serious prospective publisher 30
Dinner with serious publisher 30
Gas to interview with out-of-state
publishers (unknown possibility) 0 to 155
Total: 345 to 500
Location of project -
Work is expected to be conducted both on and off Randolph-Macon Campus. I will be traveling to publishers to interview and be interviewed where phone interviews are not acceptable – therefore work will be conducted wherever required bbut the majority will be done on campus.
Statement of intended outcome of project –
The intended outcome of this project is to successfully market and publish a book of short stories such as to generate a profit. The more ostentatious goal is to do so in one summer’s worth of time. A brazen and daunting task I know, but I expect to learn a lot from this and my hope is to share that knowledge as much as possible. Acquired benefit is to be shared with the campus for future students to consult in the form of a manuscript outlining and documenting every step of the process and procedures gone about in this endeavour. A daily journal will be kept on the progress, this will be included in mentioned manuscript.
If you are interested in the material to be attempted to be published, see attached teaser.
SURF applicant evaluation form –
See attached.
(To be completed by faculty supervisor; this form which is attached to this document should be included in a sealed and signed envelope.)
SURF Applicant Evaluation Form
(to be completed by Faculty Supervisor)
Name of Applicant: _________________________
Name of Faculty Advisor: _________________________
Please rate the applicant by using the following scale:
(1) (2) (3) (4) (5)
strongly disagree disagree neutral agree strongly agree
_____The applicant possesses the intellectual maturity to conduct an
independent research project.
_____The applicant has the academic preparation to conduct the proposed project.
_____From my experience, the applicant is dependable and will work consistently through the duration of the SURF project.
_____The applicant’s project represents a novel endeavor or answers a
significant question not clearly answered in the literature of his/her specific discipline.
_____The applicant has provided an appropriate literature review for the proposed project.
_____Considering time constraints and available resources, the applicant has proposed a realistic SURF project.
_____If conducted as proposed, the project has the potential to be presented at a professional conference.
_____Considering both the academic and social skills of the applicant, I look forward to collaborating with the student during the SURF project.
_____The applicant should receive a SURF award this summer.
_____The applicant will have access to all the supplies, resources and facilities necessary to complete the project.
Feel free to provide additional relevant information in an attached letter and return this form and the letter in a sealed and signed envelope to the student to include in the application package.
Dear Faculty Member:
Faculty supervision is critical for the success of the SURF projects each year. We would appreciate your signature acknowledging that, to the best of your knowledge, you will have the time and expertise to sufficiently advise this student through the proposed research project, if recommended for funding. Although we understand that short trips are likely to come up during SURF, all faculty supervisors are expected to be present during the last week of the program as the students are preparing for their SURF conference presentations. More detailed information about SURF faculty supervision will be provided by the Dean’s office following the final decisions about SURF participants. Thank you for taking the time to work with the SURF students!
Signature:______________________ Date:____________
Teaser:
Where the Heart Lies:
Where am I? Where are we?
[You're never where you want to be until after you've left. That's when you realize how dumb you were. I was dumb.]
So there I was in the middle of the floor, smiling, thinking "Blood... There's blood here... why blood?"
The blood on my fingers had already dried and for the most part he had bled out into a pool of sticky, gooey, and now very smelly dark blood. Did you know that? That fresh blood is a redder lighter colour but as it gets old it gets darker and more brown. Yeah, I didn't know either until now. I was only seven at the time, The day before my eighth birthday and I couldn't understand why she had done it. To this day I can't tell you where the body is. It sickens me to the core. At the time I didn't know, and when I found out it was too late to throw up. I did anyway. Jerry was my friend. I watched him everyday as I got on the bus. He was always proud, always strong. Very comforting and nice. I always thought about reaching out and touching him, but I had too much respect for him to do it. I somehow felt like maybe I could, maybe he'd let me live with him and I would be able to hug him on a regular basis. The day I lost my tooth he wasn't there. I wanted so badly to show him. To say "Look Jerry, It's gone!" I wanted to tell him about the tooth fairy and how she was gonna come. But he wasn't there watching me get on the bus. I think it was my dad, I think he was jealous that I loved Jerry more than him. When I came home I saw Jerry. His tooth was on the floor next to him. But he wasn't moving. Mom was quiet and dad was defensive. and there he was. Jerry, my friend was dead. I went to him and kissed him. I always wanted to, thought he'd like it. That's how the blood got on my face. Things kinda went foggy and fast after that. But I remember screaming. I hugged him and held tight. I might have hurt him digging my fingers into his skin like that, but he was already dead and cold. I was crying because Jerry was on the floor. The back porch was coated in fresh red stain and all the trees seemed to be staring at me. I counted them that night. 17 white ones, 14 grey ones and 58 brown. there were a lot of angry trees. I picked up Jerry's tooth and screamed.
"Don't be mad at me! I wasn't the one who did it!" the screaming seemed to come from no-where. Scared defensive threatening.
"She's crying Hank!" My mothers voice, she was angry and agitated. She slapped dad. I wanted to get away. So I ran into the woods and hid. I knew where Jerry lived and I went to his house all the time when my mom let me play outside. That’s where I went. His bed, it was still as soft as I ever remembered it. Smelled like him still too. I closed my eyes and remembered him and smiled and fell asleep. No one came for me, it was nice. When I woke up it was dark. Too dark, even the stars and moon seemed too sad to come out tonight.
I wanted to get them back for what they did to Jerry. I didn't know what I was going to do but I was going to do it and that was that. I went home but The porch was clean and Jerry was gone. I thought maybe I'd imagined it but his tooth was still in my pocket. Hard round fact. I heard a noise and looked around. The animals were out and something was going on around behind the barn. Probably bears. I wanted to go see and found Jerry hanging by his feet; bled out. Like some common animal. The raccoons were scared and ran away. I sat in his blood and cried. That's when it hit me. I thought "Blood... People don't need all that blood to survive, they only need a little. That's what the hospitals on the TV show all the times. If all this blood was still in him when he was on the porch. He must have still been alive on the porch there. I smiled to think maybe, with one tooth missing each when I kissed him he kissed back. Maybe he knew and maybe it made him happy. I hope he was happy. I hope I made him happy. He always made me happy. I sat there in his blood ‘til morning. I'd fallen asleep again. Smiling.
Eventually we left that house. I was mad at them for leaving him behind. I thought so at the time. I was dumb. I was eight when I last remember seeing my dad. I only saw him once after Jerry died. That was at the funeral. I think my mom blamed it on him. She thought him not doing anything about it is what made me upset. But I loved Jerry and I still hate her for killing him. I wanted to be with Jerry, I wanted to stay behind. I learned he'll always be with me in a sick sort of way and I smile every time I think of it and remember him standing there. Tall and proud. My mother always despised him. But I liked him and his bed.
Sledgehammer:
I look at that scar, that scratch upon the lens, every time I see it the memory fades a bit more, shoved out and away further from my consciousness. I smile to think how simple it was, how I didn't even notice when it happened. I remember seeing the blood alright... but I smile because I don't remember it happening. Even remember seeing the blood. No! I mean really Seeing it. I can't exactly see it, it's more of a smell, a sensation. I sense the blood. The night was young and innocent, uncorrupted eyes watched me throughout the whole ordeal and twice now I've fled the scene only to come back again. The allure of it, the crushing sound and the paint. I remember the weight I bore as I drug my carcass about. That sinking feeling, the way I needed relief. And the sledgehammer, how with blow after blow I got my sweet release. Only not. I ran. To think of him I ran like the wind, fast, hard, silent and quick. To hear his voice. I ran there to hear his voice and when I did I screamed and I cursed and I cried as I paced there. Pacing as if I were right there in front of him, pacing as if he were there. I screamed. I ran. I was back in the mass of enraged bodies, my eyes in hell. I was there and it happened. No holding back and for five dollars I sold my soul, no rented it out again...
Giving your body to the underworld isn't that bad you know. They take good care of it actually, they want their allies intact.
With sledgehammer in hand, I beat. And instead of him, I saw her and I beat. And for a weak moment, ... I don't know... I lost myself and time slowed down to mere nothing. The sounds of the crowd ceased. But not because they faded from perception. People gasped. I saw her face when I should have been doing it to him. It was his moment to feel that pain, and instead I saw her. And just like that, with the swing of the hammer and the weight of the pain and the agony she inflicted upon so many, just like that, it broke. Shattered wood went everywhere as the sledgehammer split and the crowd who'd been whispering instead dropped their jaws and stared. I'd done it, I'd broken it. On an image, on an item, on a memory not their own. On this experience, their high point of revenge and merciless vengeance I'd broken the hammer on someone, no something outside their realm, their scope of vengeful perception.
I smiled and tasted the silence. I cut through it with my feet as I came down from the high and walked towards them, towards my weapon, towards what was left of that crushed metal thing. And without hesitation, they handed me another and cowered.
To my side I saw him though. One man. He did not cower at the splintering wood and shattering metal. Instead he stood up straight and seemed, though a shadow so much taller. His eyes fixed on me and for a brief moment we locked eyes and smiled.
I went back to my hollow shell of what was formerly there. Back to my post, back to that thing. I tried to think back to the necessary revenge, the release I was bound to now, but my eyes caught his shape and I could only think of this new man, of him instead. Now I beat not for vengeance, not for hatred not for remorse. I from time to time think now I beat for love, but no, now I beat for curiosity, for insight, for the show of it. For him, as one day I hope to impress this new shadow of a man.
Cheek to the Bed:
Naked and lonely. I remember looking there. On the bed, my hand. Buried in amongst the soft cushy cloth; fingers in the darkness. Sweat pouring from my body, the heavy air and the sounds. My hand and all its little fingers lost among the reds and the white of the linen. I almost felt like crying. Not for pain not for self. He was there, behind me. Lost in a world of pleasure and... me in my world of pain. My heart ached as I stared at that ring, the shine of the gold in the darkness screaming to me with lights impossible for such a dark room. I hung my head and looked away. I thought of him and wanted to see his face, but he was much too far behind me. Lost in a crowd. Alone without me. Somewhere in the past I still see his face, I close my eyes, shut out the gold and see his eyes. Closed. I try to open them with my mind but it's in the past and he is gone and that beautiful blue-brown will never be mine again. The air grows thicker and I choke on the thought. Willing as I am, no one cared to ask me what I really wanted. I never want this. But here I am. face down in the blood of my own misery, watching him enjoy his perverse little whim. Hoping, dreaming, wishing for it to be all over real soon. I know it will never be, but lone I sit, burning away the pain. Dreaming of his eyes and loosing myself in the soft brown. Face down, in my imagination, and here. Eyes closed I am cheek down in the cold snow waiting for him to come.
Wanting him to be mine again. The linen on my cheek feels like ice and finally I do cry. Tears of joy.
A research project by Senior;
Psychology/English Double-Major:
Shannon Hollender (GPA: 2.3767)
Supervised and guided by Dr. T. Sheckels
Submitted by: 3/3/06
Statement of Research Question to be addressed –
Publishing a book is one thing, what the interest and focus here is intended to show is how one would go about the process of publishing for a profit. I intend to examine the ins and outs of marketing a new book, examine the latest sales of literature, and to learn how to produce a work of short fiction that would indeed conform to the demands of the market and would sell. The Question is: What sells? The goal is to learn how to, and to put it into practice. Ultimately I hope to publish a book by the end of this summer and see it sell for profit. The higher goal is the benefit of knowledge in this field and task.
Background –
Self-Publishing is an ever innovative field, one which requires a lot of marketing skill and a lot of know how, and the only way to really acquire this knowledge is to get out there and do it yourself. I plan on doing just that, but before-hand I read these three books which helped me understand this concept and will be of immense use to me when it comes to trying to get this experiment off the ground and out there:
Bernard, Andre, ed. Rotten Rejections. Ossining, New York: Pushcart P, 1990. In this book Bernard offers a compilation of several examples of works which were submitted to be published and were rejected. The rejection letters themselves are included in the text and show what publishers say about particular works and why they cannot publish them. This is a useful text in that it allows for a broad sweeping overview of what cannot or would not get published and why. It exemplifies why certain works get that final rejection and allows me to better understand what I should avoid in submitting, how I should pitch it, and what is likely to be met with failure and thereby what is likely to be granted publication.
Curtis, Richard, and William T. Quick. How to get your E-Book Published. Ed. Donya Dickerson. Cincinnati, OH.: F&W Publications, Inc., 2002. This book by Curtis and Quick is a comprehensive and in-depth guide to all the knowledge one could ask for concerning the production marketing and distribution of e-books. It goes into gory detail about how one is to protect their rights and works and it guides one to a thorough understanding of what the many, many options are for e-publishing. This piece acknowledges that this is a new field and serves to really educate the reader on what, how, why and any other questions one poses or could pose about e-book publication. It is a comprehensive and useful guide, though thick in content, which will aid me in understanding this option of publication and distribution.
John, Dessauer P. Book Publishing What it is, What it Does. New York, N. Y.: R. R. Bowker Co., 1977. This book, by Dessauer, is laid out in such a way as to outline is clear and concise detain the ins and outs of the business of book publishing. The intention of this book is to offer a broad perspective in detail and fortunately unfortunate obsessive-compulsive organization on what goes into the production, finance, editing, marketing and many of the other operations of press. This is a concise and information-laden book that will prove an invaluably useful book in my endeavours to streamline that process of getting a book to publish and sell in a summer. The value of this book to my research I cannot convey. It has become a stellar resource to me and it will further prove to guide me through the thick of this project. This book has been and will further prove to be the device which will lead this ground-breaking endeavour of mine to a sure success.
List of References –
Bernard, Andre, ed. Rotten Rejections. Ossining, New York: Pushcart P, 1990.
Curtis, Richard, and William T. Quick. How to get your E-Book Published. Ed. Donya Dickerson. Cincinnati, OH.: F&W Publications, Inc., 2002.
John, Dessauer P. Book Publishing What it is, What it Does. New York, N. Y.: R. R. Bowker Co., 1977.
Methodology/Plan of work –
The research procedure is less scientific and more timeline, outlined here is what will in practice feel like an insanely intense schedule. It seems to be not so bad here but remember there are going to be travel times, intensive researching, constant editing, and the like going on in between the subsequent mentioned deadlines. It is expected that upwards of over 18 publishers will be approached before all is said and done.
As the program will take place from Monday, June 12, 2006 to Friday, August 11, 2006 the following deadlines are set to be met and adhered to so as to ensure acceptable progress and quality research. These are however, projected ideals for progress. As I have never done this before on this kind of level, I expect that my generalizations here are highly optimistic.
June:
Week 1&2:
The goals for this and the next week include:
● Finalize editing a polished “demo” version of the book to be sent to prospective publishers.
● Compile a list of publishers and their contact information.
● Learn, for application, the job of an agent in the process of publishing
The remainder of the time these weeks is to be dedicated to research which includes:
● Research.
● Interviewing agents and publishers.
● Learn the “how-to” process of initiating publication.
Week 3&4:
While these weeks need to be dedicated to:
● Contacting, setting up appointments with, and seeing publishers.
● Editing and polishing continues.
● Research continues.
● Demo copies will be sent to publishers.
July:
Week 1&2:
The first of these two weeks, since it does contain a holiday is to be dedicated to catching up on any research, documentation or publisher-related interactions set out thus-far.
The second week is dedicated to analyzing and responding to critiques about the work’s content.
Week 3&4:
These two weeks are dedicated to pursuing e-book publication.
● Research will have already been done on this; these two weeks are for pursuit.
August:
Week 1:
Compiling what was learned is the goal here. Failure at this point is understood for publication acceptance; but it is seen as a learning experience, which is the point.
Materials list –
Books (obviously only those not found in Library) 80
Gas for interviews 80
Gas for errands 65
Paper for print outs 30
Meal with serious prospective publisher 30
Meal with serious prospective publisher 30
Dinner with serious publisher 30
Gas to interview with out-of-state
publishers (unknown possibility) 0 to 155
Total: 345 to 500
Location of project -
Work is expected to be conducted both on and off Randolph-Macon Campus. I will be traveling to publishers to interview and be interviewed where phone interviews are not acceptable – therefore work will be conducted wherever required bbut the majority will be done on campus.
Statement of intended outcome of project –
The intended outcome of this project is to successfully market and publish a book of short stories such as to generate a profit. The more ostentatious goal is to do so in one summer’s worth of time. A brazen and daunting task I know, but I expect to learn a lot from this and my hope is to share that knowledge as much as possible. Acquired benefit is to be shared with the campus for future students to consult in the form of a manuscript outlining and documenting every step of the process and procedures gone about in this endeavour. A daily journal will be kept on the progress, this will be included in mentioned manuscript.
If you are interested in the material to be attempted to be published, see attached teaser.
SURF applicant evaluation form –
See attached.
(To be completed by faculty supervisor; this form which is attached to this document should be included in a sealed and signed envelope.)
SURF Applicant Evaluation Form
(to be completed by Faculty Supervisor)
Name of Applicant: _________________________
Name of Faculty Advisor: _________________________
Please rate the applicant by using the following scale:
(1) (2) (3) (4) (5)
strongly disagree disagree neutral agree strongly agree
_____The applicant possesses the intellectual maturity to conduct an
independent research project.
_____The applicant has the academic preparation to conduct the proposed project.
_____From my experience, the applicant is dependable and will work consistently through the duration of the SURF project.
_____The applicant’s project represents a novel endeavor or answers a
significant question not clearly answered in the literature of his/her specific discipline.
_____The applicant has provided an appropriate literature review for the proposed project.
_____Considering time constraints and available resources, the applicant has proposed a realistic SURF project.
_____If conducted as proposed, the project has the potential to be presented at a professional conference.
_____Considering both the academic and social skills of the applicant, I look forward to collaborating with the student during the SURF project.
_____The applicant should receive a SURF award this summer.
_____The applicant will have access to all the supplies, resources and facilities necessary to complete the project.
Feel free to provide additional relevant information in an attached letter and return this form and the letter in a sealed and signed envelope to the student to include in the application package.
Dear Faculty Member:
Faculty supervision is critical for the success of the SURF projects each year. We would appreciate your signature acknowledging that, to the best of your knowledge, you will have the time and expertise to sufficiently advise this student through the proposed research project, if recommended for funding. Although we understand that short trips are likely to come up during SURF, all faculty supervisors are expected to be present during the last week of the program as the students are preparing for their SURF conference presentations. More detailed information about SURF faculty supervision will be provided by the Dean’s office following the final decisions about SURF participants. Thank you for taking the time to work with the SURF students!
Signature:______________________ Date:____________
Teaser:
Where the Heart Lies:
Where am I? Where are we?
[You're never where you want to be until after you've left. That's when you realize how dumb you were. I was dumb.]
So there I was in the middle of the floor, smiling, thinking "Blood... There's blood here... why blood?"
The blood on my fingers had already dried and for the most part he had bled out into a pool of sticky, gooey, and now very smelly dark blood. Did you know that? That fresh blood is a redder lighter colour but as it gets old it gets darker and more brown. Yeah, I didn't know either until now. I was only seven at the time, The day before my eighth birthday and I couldn't understand why she had done it. To this day I can't tell you where the body is. It sickens me to the core. At the time I didn't know, and when I found out it was too late to throw up. I did anyway. Jerry was my friend. I watched him everyday as I got on the bus. He was always proud, always strong. Very comforting and nice. I always thought about reaching out and touching him, but I had too much respect for him to do it. I somehow felt like maybe I could, maybe he'd let me live with him and I would be able to hug him on a regular basis. The day I lost my tooth he wasn't there. I wanted so badly to show him. To say "Look Jerry, It's gone!" I wanted to tell him about the tooth fairy and how she was gonna come. But he wasn't there watching me get on the bus. I think it was my dad, I think he was jealous that I loved Jerry more than him. When I came home I saw Jerry. His tooth was on the floor next to him. But he wasn't moving. Mom was quiet and dad was defensive. and there he was. Jerry, my friend was dead. I went to him and kissed him. I always wanted to, thought he'd like it. That's how the blood got on my face. Things kinda went foggy and fast after that. But I remember screaming. I hugged him and held tight. I might have hurt him digging my fingers into his skin like that, but he was already dead and cold. I was crying because Jerry was on the floor. The back porch was coated in fresh red stain and all the trees seemed to be staring at me. I counted them that night. 17 white ones, 14 grey ones and 58 brown. there were a lot of angry trees. I picked up Jerry's tooth and screamed.
"Don't be mad at me! I wasn't the one who did it!" the screaming seemed to come from no-where. Scared defensive threatening.
"She's crying Hank!" My mothers voice, she was angry and agitated. She slapped dad. I wanted to get away. So I ran into the woods and hid. I knew where Jerry lived and I went to his house all the time when my mom let me play outside. That’s where I went. His bed, it was still as soft as I ever remembered it. Smelled like him still too. I closed my eyes and remembered him and smiled and fell asleep. No one came for me, it was nice. When I woke up it was dark. Too dark, even the stars and moon seemed too sad to come out tonight.
I wanted to get them back for what they did to Jerry. I didn't know what I was going to do but I was going to do it and that was that. I went home but The porch was clean and Jerry was gone. I thought maybe I'd imagined it but his tooth was still in my pocket. Hard round fact. I heard a noise and looked around. The animals were out and something was going on around behind the barn. Probably bears. I wanted to go see and found Jerry hanging by his feet; bled out. Like some common animal. The raccoons were scared and ran away. I sat in his blood and cried. That's when it hit me. I thought "Blood... People don't need all that blood to survive, they only need a little. That's what the hospitals on the TV show all the times. If all this blood was still in him when he was on the porch. He must have still been alive on the porch there. I smiled to think maybe, with one tooth missing each when I kissed him he kissed back. Maybe he knew and maybe it made him happy. I hope he was happy. I hope I made him happy. He always made me happy. I sat there in his blood ‘til morning. I'd fallen asleep again. Smiling.
Eventually we left that house. I was mad at them for leaving him behind. I thought so at the time. I was dumb. I was eight when I last remember seeing my dad. I only saw him once after Jerry died. That was at the funeral. I think my mom blamed it on him. She thought him not doing anything about it is what made me upset. But I loved Jerry and I still hate her for killing him. I wanted to be with Jerry, I wanted to stay behind. I learned he'll always be with me in a sick sort of way and I smile every time I think of it and remember him standing there. Tall and proud. My mother always despised him. But I liked him and his bed.
Sledgehammer:
I look at that scar, that scratch upon the lens, every time I see it the memory fades a bit more, shoved out and away further from my consciousness. I smile to think how simple it was, how I didn't even notice when it happened. I remember seeing the blood alright... but I smile because I don't remember it happening. Even remember seeing the blood. No! I mean really Seeing it. I can't exactly see it, it's more of a smell, a sensation. I sense the blood. The night was young and innocent, uncorrupted eyes watched me throughout the whole ordeal and twice now I've fled the scene only to come back again. The allure of it, the crushing sound and the paint. I remember the weight I bore as I drug my carcass about. That sinking feeling, the way I needed relief. And the sledgehammer, how with blow after blow I got my sweet release. Only not. I ran. To think of him I ran like the wind, fast, hard, silent and quick. To hear his voice. I ran there to hear his voice and when I did I screamed and I cursed and I cried as I paced there. Pacing as if I were right there in front of him, pacing as if he were there. I screamed. I ran. I was back in the mass of enraged bodies, my eyes in hell. I was there and it happened. No holding back and for five dollars I sold my soul, no rented it out again...
Giving your body to the underworld isn't that bad you know. They take good care of it actually, they want their allies intact.
With sledgehammer in hand, I beat. And instead of him, I saw her and I beat. And for a weak moment, ... I don't know... I lost myself and time slowed down to mere nothing. The sounds of the crowd ceased. But not because they faded from perception. People gasped. I saw her face when I should have been doing it to him. It was his moment to feel that pain, and instead I saw her. And just like that, with the swing of the hammer and the weight of the pain and the agony she inflicted upon so many, just like that, it broke. Shattered wood went everywhere as the sledgehammer split and the crowd who'd been whispering instead dropped their jaws and stared. I'd done it, I'd broken it. On an image, on an item, on a memory not their own. On this experience, their high point of revenge and merciless vengeance I'd broken the hammer on someone, no something outside their realm, their scope of vengeful perception.
I smiled and tasted the silence. I cut through it with my feet as I came down from the high and walked towards them, towards my weapon, towards what was left of that crushed metal thing. And without hesitation, they handed me another and cowered.
To my side I saw him though. One man. He did not cower at the splintering wood and shattering metal. Instead he stood up straight and seemed, though a shadow so much taller. His eyes fixed on me and for a brief moment we locked eyes and smiled.
I went back to my hollow shell of what was formerly there. Back to my post, back to that thing. I tried to think back to the necessary revenge, the release I was bound to now, but my eyes caught his shape and I could only think of this new man, of him instead. Now I beat not for vengeance, not for hatred not for remorse. I from time to time think now I beat for love, but no, now I beat for curiosity, for insight, for the show of it. For him, as one day I hope to impress this new shadow of a man.
Cheek to the Bed:
Naked and lonely. I remember looking there. On the bed, my hand. Buried in amongst the soft cushy cloth; fingers in the darkness. Sweat pouring from my body, the heavy air and the sounds. My hand and all its little fingers lost among the reds and the white of the linen. I almost felt like crying. Not for pain not for self. He was there, behind me. Lost in a world of pleasure and... me in my world of pain. My heart ached as I stared at that ring, the shine of the gold in the darkness screaming to me with lights impossible for such a dark room. I hung my head and looked away. I thought of him and wanted to see his face, but he was much too far behind me. Lost in a crowd. Alone without me. Somewhere in the past I still see his face, I close my eyes, shut out the gold and see his eyes. Closed. I try to open them with my mind but it's in the past and he is gone and that beautiful blue-brown will never be mine again. The air grows thicker and I choke on the thought. Willing as I am, no one cared to ask me what I really wanted. I never want this. But here I am. face down in the blood of my own misery, watching him enjoy his perverse little whim. Hoping, dreaming, wishing for it to be all over real soon. I know it will never be, but lone I sit, burning away the pain. Dreaming of his eyes and loosing myself in the soft brown. Face down, in my imagination, and here. Eyes closed I am cheek down in the cold snow waiting for him to come.
Wanting him to be mine again. The linen on my cheek feels like ice and finally I do cry. Tears of joy.
posted by Shannon Hollender @ 11:03 PM
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