reason with me a while...
I love him and have done so as long as I've known him, from first conversation on... I still remember the day we met, his blue eyes crystal and clear and deep pools of thought and intention. He has always been without apprehension, without guilt and without regret, and to live in such a way have I always felt a tinge of envy for. I love and envy him all the same. He is, to me, a most perfect man. Save for his skill in bed. Though I admit to his skill with the persuasion of so many to his bed, I admit also to his lack of skill in bed once he has persuaded them to it.
So is my love for him true? Can it be so honest a thing? Or can it be so readily and easily persuaded a thing, this love, as a dandelion in the gentle summer winds? This love, is it mere lust? Politic? Wanton greed. Of so many men I have given up in my time, should I regret ever my actions upon the freedom, specifically the imparting of freedom, upon them? Am I cruel, regret, envy, lust, am I mad? Am I repentant, sorrow, wisdom, folly,... am I right? Do I have the correct decision in the stone of reality engraved? Or is there such a thing as mistake? Have I at some point with this one set him loose in error as I have myself done to both - myself and another previously? In setting the first free, was this error truly folly as it had led to my joining the other (though I question how truly this one action indeed did lead to the other) thereby is there purpose in having disposed of the relationship between myself and this loved one as a cause to find more true, more profitable forms of love or so as to realize my mistake and in repentance to correct it in never again visiting that pain upon him.
And in following this discourse, to rejoin with him would cause such sin as to visit again upon yet a third the pain of releasing another who loves me faithfully.
I seem to make a habit of discarding faithful men for no purpose - but why?
No, I shaln't do it to another. Can it be so wrong that I am happy now? That I have found a happy combination of security and spontanuity. Is it such a sin that I enjoy this man? It is wrong that I endure and enjoy enduring this love? No. Some would question my honesty with myself here, but I am happy. And more often happy, more thoroughly, than not.
So is my love for him true? Can it be so honest a thing? Or can it be so readily and easily persuaded a thing, this love, as a dandelion in the gentle summer winds? This love, is it mere lust? Politic? Wanton greed. Of so many men I have given up in my time, should I regret ever my actions upon the freedom, specifically the imparting of freedom, upon them? Am I cruel, regret, envy, lust, am I mad? Am I repentant, sorrow, wisdom, folly,... am I right? Do I have the correct decision in the stone of reality engraved? Or is there such a thing as mistake? Have I at some point with this one set him loose in error as I have myself done to both - myself and another previously? In setting the first free, was this error truly folly as it had led to my joining the other (though I question how truly this one action indeed did lead to the other) thereby is there purpose in having disposed of the relationship between myself and this loved one as a cause to find more true, more profitable forms of love or so as to realize my mistake and in repentance to correct it in never again visiting that pain upon him.
And in following this discourse, to rejoin with him would cause such sin as to visit again upon yet a third the pain of releasing another who loves me faithfully.
I seem to make a habit of discarding faithful men for no purpose - but why?
No, I shaln't do it to another. Can it be so wrong that I am happy now? That I have found a happy combination of security and spontanuity. Is it such a sin that I enjoy this man? It is wrong that I endure and enjoy enduring this love? No. Some would question my honesty with myself here, but I am happy. And more often happy, more thoroughly, than not.
posted by Shannon Hollender @ 7:08 AM
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