Post for 3-19-06: Another excerpt from "Strikinen"
Let me start again...
I start again in an effort… effect… rather in an attempt to clarify some things for you. It's not like I woke up one day and said to myself: “Hey I'll tell you all about what has happened here,” certainly not, it was more of a gradual realization I assure you. Even as I tell you this, I am in fact rather realizing many truths for myself that I had not realized before. Life. Death. It’s as if as I explain to you; the circumstances as they have arisen and the consequences, as if I’m just now realizing what evil spells in a mirror… I’m sorry, I should really stick to clear English; It’s just that it is really hard. I have no clue what is happening. All I know was that it started out for myself, even now I’m kinda proud of what I’ve been able to accomplish while I’ve been here. As it turned out, and of course I get to look at it with hind-sight, everyone got what was coming to them for being like that, even me. Here I am looking at the past to figure out the end and now it’s my turn at bat. As they did, as these things have happened, to me and to them, wherever they are now; I so, shall relate them.
The reality is that memory tends to hide things from us, but as we recollect them, they become more apparent. For me, with the recall, I embellish, most people do, or at least I tend to; but this, as it happened is so wild that no amount of embellishment could possibly make it any better. Besides I’m a terrible liar and a terrible story-teller; I could never make something like this up. As it were; you: my diary, I: your entertainment as well as your torment, it was the thing that happened yesterday that made me come to you with my story really. Everything happened yesterday and as yesterday would have it: I assure you none of this is a flashback, I for one and you with your blank pages neither of us can know what is in store for the morrow.
So again I begin and again.
I will do a thousand beginnings. More or less of them may fall onto the paper until lady luck, life and fate will decide this chapter must close.
Meanwhile do what I do: Live, Love, and Read On:
I'm not a very superstitious person. At least by the definition I get from those I have encountered. Yet as it were, I must confess that today, now, this time and every time since it happened, I find myself doing just as he did. Ever since I witnessed it turn his luck, I vowed my progression of fortunes would change too. I’m not too good with vows usually, but I’m determined to follow in his footsteps.
I’m sorry I should probably explain this to you: He and I were lovers once, almost twice actually, he kept crawling back for more and I kept turning him down. I wanted him to care, until I realized he really did, that was when he put the gun to his head. Now he’s my reformed Drug-Addict turned Jail Bird of two years. He has a wonderful singing voice too, especially when he’s drunk. You wouldn’t think of him as romantic, I’m listening to myself rant about him and I can’t possibly think of him as the romantic sort, beer gut and all. But I guess fortunately, (or unfortunately as fate would have it,) I saw the sweetness in him, the caring and compassion in him and I haven’t been able to forget it.
He had a tradition, I guess that’s how superstitions start, with traditions. As I recall he punched the gas pedal and exclaimed aloud as he sped towards the intersection "Lady Luck be mine now!" I was in the seat beside him and in the seat behind us was our oh-so-dear comrade Dare: Fearless leader as he is and drugged as he was. In his full glory he rooted on and breathed deep what was for him and what may have been for all of us, our last breath. It was well known that collision corner - as it is often called anymore - has a history riddled with accidents. All of them arisen from circumstances much like the ones we are currently engaged in. It is one of those places, what would by any definition be considered a fairly busy intersection. The odds were three to one that at any point you may expect to see two or more vehicles passing through the intersection at the same time at the discretion of no lights signs or matters otherwise. No doubt about it: he intended to run us through the intersection which had been known to do no less than kill those attempting the same, just for a cheap thrill. Should-have’s and should-have-not’s they’re all bombarding my brain right now. To say the least I should have been jittery. I should have been nervous. I was just a kid when this all happened. I should have needed something to calm my nerves, but I didn’t. I really didn’t because I really didn’t realize what was going on until It happened.
I start again in an effort… effect… rather in an attempt to clarify some things for you. It's not like I woke up one day and said to myself: “Hey I'll tell you all about what has happened here,” certainly not, it was more of a gradual realization I assure you. Even as I tell you this, I am in fact rather realizing many truths for myself that I had not realized before. Life. Death. It’s as if as I explain to you; the circumstances as they have arisen and the consequences, as if I’m just now realizing what evil spells in a mirror… I’m sorry, I should really stick to clear English; It’s just that it is really hard. I have no clue what is happening. All I know was that it started out for myself, even now I’m kinda proud of what I’ve been able to accomplish while I’ve been here. As it turned out, and of course I get to look at it with hind-sight, everyone got what was coming to them for being like that, even me. Here I am looking at the past to figure out the end and now it’s my turn at bat. As they did, as these things have happened, to me and to them, wherever they are now; I so, shall relate them.
The reality is that memory tends to hide things from us, but as we recollect them, they become more apparent. For me, with the recall, I embellish, most people do, or at least I tend to; but this, as it happened is so wild that no amount of embellishment could possibly make it any better. Besides I’m a terrible liar and a terrible story-teller; I could never make something like this up. As it were; you: my diary, I: your entertainment as well as your torment, it was the thing that happened yesterday that made me come to you with my story really. Everything happened yesterday and as yesterday would have it: I assure you none of this is a flashback, I for one and you with your blank pages neither of us can know what is in store for the morrow.
So again I begin and again.
I will do a thousand beginnings. More or less of them may fall onto the paper until lady luck, life and fate will decide this chapter must close.
Meanwhile do what I do: Live, Love, and Read On:
I'm not a very superstitious person. At least by the definition I get from those I have encountered. Yet as it were, I must confess that today, now, this time and every time since it happened, I find myself doing just as he did. Ever since I witnessed it turn his luck, I vowed my progression of fortunes would change too. I’m not too good with vows usually, but I’m determined to follow in his footsteps.
I’m sorry I should probably explain this to you: He and I were lovers once, almost twice actually, he kept crawling back for more and I kept turning him down. I wanted him to care, until I realized he really did, that was when he put the gun to his head. Now he’s my reformed Drug-Addict turned Jail Bird of two years. He has a wonderful singing voice too, especially when he’s drunk. You wouldn’t think of him as romantic, I’m listening to myself rant about him and I can’t possibly think of him as the romantic sort, beer gut and all. But I guess fortunately, (or unfortunately as fate would have it,) I saw the sweetness in him, the caring and compassion in him and I haven’t been able to forget it.
He had a tradition, I guess that’s how superstitions start, with traditions. As I recall he punched the gas pedal and exclaimed aloud as he sped towards the intersection "Lady Luck be mine now!" I was in the seat beside him and in the seat behind us was our oh-so-dear comrade Dare: Fearless leader as he is and drugged as he was. In his full glory he rooted on and breathed deep what was for him and what may have been for all of us, our last breath. It was well known that collision corner - as it is often called anymore - has a history riddled with accidents. All of them arisen from circumstances much like the ones we are currently engaged in. It is one of those places, what would by any definition be considered a fairly busy intersection. The odds were three to one that at any point you may expect to see two or more vehicles passing through the intersection at the same time at the discretion of no lights signs or matters otherwise. No doubt about it: he intended to run us through the intersection which had been known to do no less than kill those attempting the same, just for a cheap thrill. Should-have’s and should-have-not’s they’re all bombarding my brain right now. To say the least I should have been jittery. I should have been nervous. I was just a kid when this all happened. I should have needed something to calm my nerves, but I didn’t. I really didn’t because I really didn’t realize what was going on until It happened.
posted by Shannon Hollender @ 1:06 AM
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