Post for 4/26
Man! I'm getting really bad at this daily thing! I'm posting enough but remembering to do so before bed is getting harder and harder as the days seem to be getting fuller and fuller. I really do intend to keep up with this, both for class and for afterward. Meanwhile I'm really disappointed in myself that I've let it slip and that I've not done as much writing as I would like to and should do.
So as for updates and news, since it is now Thurs I can tell you about the weekend. Last Saturday I watched small children... it's like putting bait into a shark-tank, they can smell my fear and I had to shower heavily to get the creepy feeling off of me and after that otherwise uneventful day, I finally got to sleep! Sunday started off well, I slept in (which wasn't so good) but got to relax for the first half of the day. Afterward I got ready to go to class and got intercepted by a phone call from my friend, who insisted, since I am a mechanic, I should help our other friend out. Her car would not start. I tore into the ignition, cleaned it out a bit and tried to start it again and again. It really wasn't me though, everyone else had loosened it up for me, really! None-the-matter, it started and they all kidnapped me to go get ice-cream and it was good!
After that the week commenced and though I love him, the boy is getting antsy. It has been a while since we have seen each other and been together and he's starting to question me and us and it hurts because I want to comfort him and tell him... convince him that the truth of the matter is that everything is all alright... but he is scared and telling a person not to feel anyway they feel is an exercise in futility and aggravation. I try to help, and I try to ride out the storm, and I try to not let it get to me or bother me but the truth of the matter is that it does slowly grind away at my spirits. My strength is this ring, no amount of mental anguish may grind away at a diamond. I need always to remember to be as strong as a diamond and to not let things belittle me.
He always seems to be contacted by that awful stalker guy whenever it gets to that point. This guy seems to embody his every knowledge, his every fear and is almost too far into my man's thinking. Sometimes I question it, sometimes it worries me. Is my love seeing and hearing things? No! No couldn't be! So am I really being followed? He tells my man of a few facts. Things like what I'm wearing, whether my hair is down, where I am, who I'm talking to... but then he fills my love's mind full of things that are not true and would never be. He implies that I'm cheating - something I'm assuming he knows weighs very heavy in the worry category of my man's mind. He says things like don't bother and don't try, things I wish Ry would do more often. He think sso little of himself and this stalker guy ... asshole seems to do nothing more than belittle him more. What's worse is that he begins to believe that this asshole might know what he's talking about. I assure you that he does not. I Love my man and would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. If you don't believe me, ask any of my male friends who I've pushed away in the wake of this stalking bullshit. Whether it's an actual person or just something in his mind, this whole ordeal is as much of a wall as solid concrete. It is damaging to my relationship with Ry and it is hurtful to me and what's worse it is affecting my relationships with my friends. A relationship should but does not always last forever, a friendship, however, does last forever and in the wake of it all I am beginning to end friendships. I Love my man, and I am dedicated to him and loving him forever but when one friendship goes then another, then another… what's to say it won't corrode the friendship that is the base and definitive factor of the relationship that Ry and I have? What's to say the domino effect will leave standing strong that friendship on which our relationship is based? What's to say it won't destroy us by destroying that friendship too?
Whether it is or not I want to convince Ry that this voice on the phone is a specter. It is a mirage that embodies his fears and it is not to be listened or trusted as far as it is something that will destroy us. I want to not only tell him but to convince him that if he wants to loose me then he is welcomed to listen to the vissor. Meanwhile I wish for him to have faith in me and to find comfort in the fact that when we are living together he will know better because he'll physically be there. I hold him in my heart, mind and arms every moment though he is not physically here to hold in my arms, my Ry is my love and nothing replaces him in these arms, in this mind, in this heart; nothing!
And Monday through Wednesday have been consumed in this manner.
I've also been working the play every night this week and will continue to do so, so long as I have the time for it. I can find time for money though; I need to pay for this education somehow. Meanwhile I'm lucky. They recruited me because my Ry is a pro at the very same task and so they figured that through me they could get free professional work with amateur hands. Sure I need the practice, but even though I act the part, I am no expert and do not know nearly as much as my man does. I only hope to keep up with him when I work with him this summer. It's a risky situation to put myself in, especially with his duplicitous nature towards our relationship (is it working is it not) but I have confidence in our love, and I have confidence in my ability to stay strong and withstand his lows and I have confidence in my ability to keep us together and strong and to be happy in doing so. He makes me happy and I feel this summer will be a happy time. Despite the lows that are bound to occur.
However, back to the week: No papers thankfully but they will hit like a ton of bricks soon and I should be getting them done early. I’m also trying to set my schedule and convince my professors that I will be capable of taking their classes next semester. I hope to be and I really do worry of it, but in the meantime:
It is Thursday, the week is nearly over and I shall be happy and keep writing…
Now… on to my Homework assignment.
So as for updates and news, since it is now Thurs I can tell you about the weekend. Last Saturday I watched small children... it's like putting bait into a shark-tank, they can smell my fear and I had to shower heavily to get the creepy feeling off of me and after that otherwise uneventful day, I finally got to sleep! Sunday started off well, I slept in (which wasn't so good) but got to relax for the first half of the day. Afterward I got ready to go to class and got intercepted by a phone call from my friend, who insisted, since I am a mechanic, I should help our other friend out. Her car would not start. I tore into the ignition, cleaned it out a bit and tried to start it again and again. It really wasn't me though, everyone else had loosened it up for me, really! None-the-matter, it started and they all kidnapped me to go get ice-cream and it was good!
After that the week commenced and though I love him, the boy is getting antsy. It has been a while since we have seen each other and been together and he's starting to question me and us and it hurts because I want to comfort him and tell him... convince him that the truth of the matter is that everything is all alright... but he is scared and telling a person not to feel anyway they feel is an exercise in futility and aggravation. I try to help, and I try to ride out the storm, and I try to not let it get to me or bother me but the truth of the matter is that it does slowly grind away at my spirits. My strength is this ring, no amount of mental anguish may grind away at a diamond. I need always to remember to be as strong as a diamond and to not let things belittle me.
He always seems to be contacted by that awful stalker guy whenever it gets to that point. This guy seems to embody his every knowledge, his every fear and is almost too far into my man's thinking. Sometimes I question it, sometimes it worries me. Is my love seeing and hearing things? No! No couldn't be! So am I really being followed? He tells my man of a few facts. Things like what I'm wearing, whether my hair is down, where I am, who I'm talking to... but then he fills my love's mind full of things that are not true and would never be. He implies that I'm cheating - something I'm assuming he knows weighs very heavy in the worry category of my man's mind. He says things like don't bother and don't try, things I wish Ry would do more often. He think sso little of himself and this stalker guy ... asshole seems to do nothing more than belittle him more. What's worse is that he begins to believe that this asshole might know what he's talking about. I assure you that he does not. I Love my man and would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. If you don't believe me, ask any of my male friends who I've pushed away in the wake of this stalking bullshit. Whether it's an actual person or just something in his mind, this whole ordeal is as much of a wall as solid concrete. It is damaging to my relationship with Ry and it is hurtful to me and what's worse it is affecting my relationships with my friends. A relationship should but does not always last forever, a friendship, however, does last forever and in the wake of it all I am beginning to end friendships. I Love my man, and I am dedicated to him and loving him forever but when one friendship goes then another, then another… what's to say it won't corrode the friendship that is the base and definitive factor of the relationship that Ry and I have? What's to say the domino effect will leave standing strong that friendship on which our relationship is based? What's to say it won't destroy us by destroying that friendship too?
Whether it is or not I want to convince Ry that this voice on the phone is a specter. It is a mirage that embodies his fears and it is not to be listened or trusted as far as it is something that will destroy us. I want to not only tell him but to convince him that if he wants to loose me then he is welcomed to listen to the vissor. Meanwhile I wish for him to have faith in me and to find comfort in the fact that when we are living together he will know better because he'll physically be there. I hold him in my heart, mind and arms every moment though he is not physically here to hold in my arms, my Ry is my love and nothing replaces him in these arms, in this mind, in this heart; nothing!
And Monday through Wednesday have been consumed in this manner.
I've also been working the play every night this week and will continue to do so, so long as I have the time for it. I can find time for money though; I need to pay for this education somehow. Meanwhile I'm lucky. They recruited me because my Ry is a pro at the very same task and so they figured that through me they could get free professional work with amateur hands. Sure I need the practice, but even though I act the part, I am no expert and do not know nearly as much as my man does. I only hope to keep up with him when I work with him this summer. It's a risky situation to put myself in, especially with his duplicitous nature towards our relationship (is it working is it not) but I have confidence in our love, and I have confidence in my ability to stay strong and withstand his lows and I have confidence in my ability to keep us together and strong and to be happy in doing so. He makes me happy and I feel this summer will be a happy time. Despite the lows that are bound to occur.
However, back to the week: No papers thankfully but they will hit like a ton of bricks soon and I should be getting them done early. I’m also trying to set my schedule and convince my professors that I will be capable of taking their classes next semester. I hope to be and I really do worry of it, but in the meantime:
It is Thursday, the week is nearly over and I shall be happy and keep writing…
Now… on to my Homework assignment.
posted by Shannon Hollender @ 8:53 AM
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