Storytime... (KISS)

...the twisted little way I have of writing...

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Never Again-That Night survived

I'm surprised he survived this long.
. Not for three weeks. I hadn't remembered it not for three weeks. The first was three weeks ago and for three weeks I hadn't kept the appointment. It was strange and strangely wonderful. I could see myself being there, being in that life the first week. He was darker than I usually aproach but what did I care. I recognized the vibe. We read each other from across the room. And from that first smile to keeping my mouth shut in front of power to the security guard ofering me in to the weaving apple and the comic books. Hell all the way to a swingset and halloween lights... it was like we read each other. And it's the kind of thing I usually gravitated towards. But that's because it reminded me of him. Him, I got to see for two days and left again. Him who realized I call because I'm stranded. Him who watched me leave saying it was a bad idea, and it was, he spent time letting me relax from a long, long time of not seeing him. Two days. Two weeks ago. If today is the first. It's still thanksgiving. Math doesn't line up. Of course over a month ago. And besides I worked those days. seven weeks ago I was crying and it was a lovely game of pool so weeks ago then I was reading books and looking for work when I got the right message at the right time. My full time job was looking for jobs. And I don't have a phone that does that. Politeness prevailed. The freedom to a few days ago compared with five years of pent up aggression felt less than a week ago. I was right to save myself messages. I'd have liked to have read them.. But the appointment was set for the first. And that was three weeks ago. I'd made it a month ago and hereI'm found wondering where I'de been. Thinking this is the first. I haven't felt the date for six weeks and wasn't feeling it now. I'm six to five weeks. past the realization that I'd missed an appointment. My whole world was rocked, my whole schedule was off and I hadn't told everyone thank you.. For what it means, thank you. I have no reason to fear when I'm with him again, and finally. Thank you for being the excuse, Romeo. Thank you for Accepting the excuse Shy, and thank you for needing no excuse Toto. Those who are family will always first and I'm finally safe to say I found my family. But I've been on the road. I live on good graces and I only tollerate anger when I care to. Some say I care too much. I know this. I just like Playing with their minds.. I haven't been home for more than two days, not for three weeks. That means home truely is where the heart is. Even without a roof. Which, by the way Peaace Offering, I should come to the back yard some time. What if I parked by blown Valve in the corn for the winter? That is if nobody's home. Thank you for checking. And for shooting. You truely make me feel relaxed too.. I haven't felt lost, hespite not being home, not for three weeks.. Despite not being reminded of the first.. Not for three weeks.
God knows I've pulled his ass out of hot water too many times already.

Never Again-That Night dont doubt

He was sitting on the couch hegging her tight, they were watching their favourite tv show, just relaxing and falling asleep together. Suddenly he picked his head up and she was gone. The spot where she was, was still warm. He got up to look for her and stubbed his toe in the dark. Couldn't find her. Fumbling into the kitchen, he almost shocked himself on the light-switch that needed repair. All the same, he remembered it was sparking at the last second. Besides in the dark, he thought he saw her at the sink. Coming up behind her he wrapped his arms tight at her waist and affectionately swayed with her wispering in her ear about how he loved her and was afraid she'd left him. She spun in his arms and said something about just getting a glass of water. She was gone in the instant he closed his eyes to hug her tight. Looking around in the dark he couldnt see her but went back towards the living room, the hallway, the bedrooms. No sign of her. Had to be the bathroom. But when he opened the door to the bathroom to se eif she was there he was blinded temporarily by the light. She wasn't there. Panic struck him, turning too fast to find her, he knocked into the door-jamb. It was a small cut above his eye but it didn't matter to him. He went running from bedroom to bedroom calling out to her. Frantic. Then he felt a breeze coming from the stair-well. He couldn't see in the dark if the door was open or not, but what if she was already out the door? He started running at the door and landed face-plant into the door at the bottom of the staris. I let him stay that way until morning. I hated that he chased me around the house like I was her. She left him a year ago for a reason and I swear he imagines I'm her. It's not appropriate to do any of those things to a nine year old. His mind is fixated on her though, he chases these mirages into traffic some times. And he doubts she'd kill him.

Never Again-That Night world of pain

Have you ever been shot with a blunt object just behind the ear? In that soft spot there, there's a certain one square inch which blinds you, paralyzes you, renders you helpless and all you can hear is the silent ring of rain, all you can feel is the pulsating vibration throughout your body of pain, and strangely all you can see is a world of pain. I remember the first 200 mph shot to that spot only as a ddream. Because remembering it any more vividly was too much to handle. The onlt thing was just as, if not more painful was loosing a loved one. Men; I've found, get that intense connection when sex is involved. Women, when other kinds of bonding are involved. I remember spending nights on end on the phone with him discussing eerything from what was on tv to how it upset him that his keepers didn't understand him. I didn't understand him. But over time and hours spent listening to him, I felt I began to. I could predict his reactions, predict what he was going to say. I fell in love with him because I understood him. Loosing him was a world of pain that rivaled a shot to the soft spot behind the ear. One of those things can only be described, only understood if experienced.
Listening to him cry I understood his pain. I felt his pain. I wanted to sooth it. He was crying and I understood his desire to die and end the suffering. "Don't despair sweetie. Don't wish that..." I reasoned "because if you aren't here at all imagine what she'll have to go through and she won't have you to get her through any of it. Imagine her world without your love... You don't want to do that to her do you?" He kept crying. He was enduring the pain though.I keep telling him nothing in this world is worth that kind of pain.

Never Again-That Night toleration

"I don't even want to see your face!" He was screaming into the phone. The noise in the background made it hard for me to concentrate on my homework. It was some stupid calculus problem. I switched to nuclear chemestry because it was an easier subject to follow. Made more sense on some level to me. How some chemicals combined was a mystery to most but I knew there was a pattern from catalyst to catalyst. I just felt it in my gut, and that helped me hone in on a range for the right answer. Doing the work just got the exact answer. "But she's my daughter and you've no right to keep her from me... I'll take you to court if I have to!" The screaming persisted. He knew if he took her to court, he'd loose. Part of the seperation agreement - he had no right to his daughter. Poor Jami caught in the middle of this mess. I almost felt bad for him as he slammed the phone down. Throwing things was his normal expression of anger. No wonder she left him. I almost felt bad for him though. The closest thing he'd ever experienced to love he saw in little Jami's eyes.
It was a soft winter morning and the fresh snow begged to be played with. I could hear his voice in her room saying not to cry the pain would go away. And a day of rump sliding in the snow would make it feel better. She knew better than to cry where people could see. Too many questions led to longer nights in Daddy's arms. He couldn't stand the thought of loosing her and it made him want to love her even more.
"We're going sledding Jami!" I said to her as she came from her room. She took my hand and wouldn't let go. Out the door we went and from hill to hill we laughed and played. Snow-ball fights and snow men, hot cocoa and igloo building. We sat in the little igloo we built and she asked me if I could always stay with her. Having me around made her feel happier she said. "I'm just like Momma," I told her "He's always going to be Daddy but he's never going to think Momma is perfect and maybe I can change the way he acts for a little while, but it'll never go away." She looked up at me with those sad eyes and grabbed my hand tighter. I could see the beginning of a cry. "Cry here where no one can see you if you want to but keep it up and somehow they always know." I pointed to her forehead and told her: "Instead cry here, and the only person that knows will be you. Sometimes you have to hide it and sometimes you have to scream it from the rooftops. Unless you know for sure which is which you should reaally hide it. Daddy will always love you. Even if it hurts how he shows it."
We got back into the house and I was promising to make cookies only if she helped me. Her smile was ear to ear for the moment. He was on the phone again, "I love that little girl and she loves me, More than you do you bitch..." She had obviously pressed one of his buttons as only she could. His voice was quivering with the beginning of a cry. "If that's how it has to be then fine..." He said masking his emotion as much as he could.
It's not really her though, He tolerates her to see his daughter.

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Never Again-That Night fly to honey

Have you ever thought about that phrase: Like a fly to honey. It's an interesting one. Who do you know has put a glob of honey down somewhere and watched to see how quickly the flies come or if lots of them come or anything of the like. I can't say I've done it with flies but butterflies are sort of the same right?
I remember sitting in the back yard watching the bees and the butterflies compete over who got the rights to each honey suckle flower on the bush in the back yard. Dad would storm in and out of the house doing some thing or another mumbling about how to avoid doing something else. There I sat listening instead to the quiet flutter and the gentle buzz of all those tiny wings.
He sat down beside me with a lawn chair and a beer. Cracked it open and persisted fuming. I started to tell him how neat it was all the bees and the butterflies. He kept swatting them away I kept trying to show him how to catch them. Finally he gave up trying to explain to me that they would hurt if they stung and that I should stick to trying to catch the more difficult butterflies. He instead showed me an easier way, if I had the patience. He poured out some of his beer onto the inside of a frisbee and laid it out by the bush. We waited and watched. He told me I didn't have to be quiet I just had to leave it alone and watch it from time to time.
It took a long time before the frisbee was covered with bees and butterflies, but for the most part after that the bees had the bush and the butterflies were much easier to catch.
Dad kept drinking though, and mostly talking to himself. I heard him ask no one in particular what to do about her and all those chores she always asked of him. I told him she was trouble, I told him to leave her alone. But like a fly to honey so too a man to a vindictive ex wife.

intermission - empty bed

It was morning again. I stiill missed him. The spot where we slept was cold again where he should be. It looked so wrong being empty. There was nothing there. I could hear the keys in the door, time to get to work. Whistling and the smell of coffee got me to stir. I just didn't want to leave the warm spot. Staring at nothing.

Light breakfast. A sip of water. The smell of his coffee and a cigarette hanging in the air. I was groggy if I didn't go for my mmorning run. It was like I couldn't even smell the fresh air anymore.

His hands were on me like usual and it was one room to the next. Trying to figure out how to get out. Every day seemed like an exercise in wrong turns. The whole time giving up total control to the man who watched me from the door.

I missed my teddy bear. But all I could do was wait until it was all over and time for him to go again. This was my sad existence in a box. I thought. Mostly because I didn't know that one day I'd have to pay for my empty bed.
hit counter download
Tracker Raven