Not Love

This must be what Christmas is supposed to be about. The tree tops glistened with a clear and solid coat of ice. Each branch shimmered in the fading sunlight like they were each strung with lights. But it was prettier than that. We were driving off to some nowhere to sit in the snow and reminesce about nothing and everything. I just met you and I felt like we knew each other. We spend so much time talking about nothing and dreaming about everything. You told me about your favourite things in life and where you want to be in years to come. I want to share those dreams. I wanted to run away scared. You tell me nothing about you. Who you are. You just delve into conversations we've already had. I want to know why you don't like the canopy of protecting trees and why you preferr the open sky. You share with me the fact that you are driven, never the fears that drive you. I've opened up to you about everything. And I only hope that you don't use your knowledge against me. Trust. I trust you with who I am, waiting, hoping, wanting to know who you are. Yes, this must be what it's about. Giving everything that I am. Everything that I have. Giving myself to you. You've been kind enough to give me shelter from the cold. Many long nights of conversation and randomness. You've given me so much and yet so little.
While the snow gently falls on the slopes and the people in their scarves and bundled up jackets, with their gloved hands holding things. Holding each other. I want to hold your hand. You stand there smoking a cigarette and staring silently off into the distance. I hold myself. I tell you about memories, fond ones of skiing, snow banks and daring. You quietly stand there, taking another drag as if to say you're waiting for me to say some magic words. I don't know what they are. I tell you what I want hoping to coax your desires from your lips. You kiss me instead. It's too cold for eskimo kisses and sloppy wet smiles. I failed. I want to go back to the car and the warmpth. It's ok with you. You give me shelter instead of what I really want. You.
So I wait. Quietly. Filling the empty spaces with Abraham Lincoln and other inside jokes. Occationally I get you to smile and I feel as though I haven't completely wasted your time. No I haven't wasted your time at all. You seem to say to me that I matter. Seem to anyway. When I tell you how grateful I am to be by your side you reach for my hand and I feel accepted. And all I've given you is everything I am. Becoming whatever it is you shape me to be with your desires. I adapt well. I leave behind whoever I am to become for you some other. And it's as if you have nothing that is your own. Nothing you are willing to share. Nothing you want me to know about you, to accept as part of you. I see daily the man who wants to strive for better. Here's what I want for Christmas. Keep letting me share myself, but I want to know why you do everything you do. Trust. I violated your trust once. I hope some day to earn it again.
One crystal clear, shining droplet; catching the fire from your lighter as you smoke again, shimmers and leaves a frozen and glimmering trail down my cheek. I've opened myself to you. And it's as if you don't even care. You still haven't noticed. But I feel guilty for not giving you more of myself. I want to please you. I want you to care. Like everyone; I want to matter. This is what the season must be all about. Not love.

Ten thirty last night I was driving home. It was a five minute trip. I knew it was cold, I was taking it slow. The roads were icy. When I slowed down a bit more to make the turn on the hill. I slid. Everyone knows not to hit your brakes on ice, I don't know why I diodn't think to accelerate. At first I slid a little. There was a pause of traction. Then I slid more. It was as if it was all in slow motion. Before I knew it I was sliding further down the hill having already hit the right corner I was now staring out the window at an embankment I was sliding faster towards at every moment. When I hit, the car pitched. I was bracing myself and I remember thinking: 'there's nothing you can do so just enjoy the ride.' So I watched as the front hit the second embankment. Time suddenly went back to full speed and I spun rear first towards my right as my car continued sliding down the hill. It came to a stop with my rear end in the ditch on the left side of the road. I tried to get out. I didn't want to rut beneath my tires. I rocked it. Reverse first then used the momentum of another slide to get the now scraping heap out of harms way, I went forward and out of the ditch. Getting out to assess the damage some coins dropped from my door to the dark ground but it didn't matter; I realized I was fucked.

I now, again, have no home, no job, and no car.

Can't I just get something that resembles a normal life? Maybe a steady job for once. Maybe?

To anyone out there who may care or have a bleeding heart; To any good soul willing to help. Please, I need help.

I plan on getting no response. Same as last time. When I'm up I'm to help everyone; when I'm down no one helps. That's why I don't believe in karma or religion and it's "God will provide" philosophy. I do believe in "ask for strength and you will be given hardships to make you strong." but I didn't ask for this. I'm a good friend to everyone I meet. Why can't I get helped?

All I'm asking for is some help. I've never asked for such a thing before. I'm desperate and scared. Would you help me? Could you please?