Pain Sustinence

I really miss you. The Pain is aweful. I'm sorry I can't be there for anyone, I just can't help others while I'm still trying to deal with my own. You are strong, you can breath when you think abbout it. I'm still ignoring it. And the pain of being without cuts so much deeper. The guilt is worse with every passing day. It's the agonizing, stiffeling and soffocating guilt. I can't breathe, I can't stop shaking and my whole world spins in a fuzzy haze. Change merges in front of me with time and I cannot focus on something as simple as my hand in front of my face. There is a throb in my temples and a stap from my gut to my throat slicing my breathing to shorter more severe gasps. and I blame myself. I let time pass. I let it go and now I cannot grab a second of my own time. Guilty. I Cannot give back to him the time I foolishly wasted not telling him how I cared. I cannot unwaste those nights, these night. I cannot stop crying, gasping, sniveling beaten and worthless. I cannot breathe. and when I wake up in the morning I will not be able to remember having passed out. A new pain, renewed fervor, confusion and burning guilt. Yes I have no sensation, not emotion. It's hard enough opening the fridge, I can't even see my hand in front of my face. The pain is too distracting. The guilt. And the pain.
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I live like this.