Storytime... (KISS)

...the twisted little way I have of writing...

Friday, April 27, 2007

Over where the purple flowers don't grow.

I dug a grave today.
the dirt on my hands is a muddy lightening as it dries brown, something with the feel of powder, the smell of dead grass. Silt is not so easy to dig in, especially in the rain. I got really muddy. I always do when I have to go dig in the dirt. I think because I like getting messy. I like telling the world I do things that deviate from the norm. But some things need to be hidden. Some things you just can't tell the world about.
I liked the pretty purple flowers he always seemed to have around him. They were small and light purple, yellow centers and of course... I never saw him in the winter but I also never noticed the fact that those damn flowers are everywhere in the springtime. I didn't like looking at him, I was shy and he had a strong personality. I couldn't look into his eyes or I'd have blushed. I always noticed the purple flowers all over the place when he was around. They were prettier when I knew he was there, when I was avoiding looking at him, when he was looking at me.
No, I didn't study for the test, I figured I didn't want to learn it and they didn't want to teach me so why should I go out of my way any more than I do paying for this damn education, just to beat my brain with knowledge I really don't want to possess. No. No I didn't study, I wrote a paper, I read a book, I dug a grave instead.
But really, I think I had an impact. Somehow. Maybe someone else will have seen me and turn around and do the same. Maybe society is better off. Maybe someone knows where my good in it is. I know I did the world a favour, granted I'm not the smartest person here, but I know good, I can see big picture. I know when I've encouraged a little, had a positive impact, planted a few seeds of hope. I know. I know.
So why didn't you try to stop him? He was running, you knew he was there, you knew you shoulda stopped him. You even were right there in his way... Why didn't you stop him?
You don't want to hear this but I knew what I was doing. I let it happen. Hell I caused it.
The chicken in the oven...? Yeah, it'a almost done. I'm starving, so I've been timing it. Wait til the time is right. Just when no one expects it, then they have to scramble to respond. Takes at least one course for everyone to get to the table.
There they were. Those damn flowers again. I told you to pick up pink and yellow. Purple is so damn depressing. A funeral has more of that than it needs. Go back. And get maybe some red too. He was loved. By someone.
The pool water was too warm for a day like today but it was nice to just splash around. There's not much else you can really do in the water. Swim for a bit, that gets boring, Try to dive for shit. Tiring. Try to play a game, rules go out the window too fast. All you really end up doing is splashing around. Then even that gets to be mundane. Rules go out the window when people get bored.
They should have seen me. How proud I was to get so much done so fast, to lift so much weight. To go unnoticed in such a busy place. I slipped under the radar so well and for so long. Yeah, I knew what I was doing. I was cool and calculating. I wish they could have seen me, at least I was so proud of myself.
Yeah, but things do need to be hidden. That's why I did it. After all that senseless violence, a guilty concience says "hide it!" And we do, we all do. We have to make it look like we at least try to care about what we did. We all do it, we try to compensate. We hide things. I do too. No shame it in. No shame at all. That's why I was out there digging today. That's why I'm so proud. Because for once, I fit in. I was normal. I did what everyone else would have done. Of course that's whay I did it ya know. Just because its what everyone else would have done.
I didn't stop him because I wasn't like everyone else. I knew exactly what was going to happen and I thought that it would be for the better. It is tough being different. No one understands you, everyone questions you. You get scouls and snide remarks and everyone thinks you're dumb.
But we know better don't we? We know that it's ok to stand up, to stand out, to stand in, to... What was it your name was? I forgot to mark you in my book. Being different makes you so hard to remember, but that's ok. We all know that, don't we class?
There's a duck or something over there in the duck pond. Everyone thinks there's an alligator in there. I keep watching the birds to see if there is... but there really isn't. I should know. I just spread that rumour to keep them from poking around. If they did they'd find the body. Over where the purple flowers don't grow.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Friends above all else.
I must admit, I think you're the only one who would ever get it.
Most men say they would, give 'em time. Eventually, they forget what it means to be friends and start expecting a relationship to serve them first. You're different, I'd wager. You know what it means to give up on what you think, what you want, whatever it is you think you know is yours. I think because you've realized that in a relationship, friends or otherwise, nothing of theirs is yours, nothing of yours is theirs.
Well maybe there are material posessions that swap from time to time, a shared toothbrush, a cigarette between friends, but that's the point - friends ask, share and don't presume. You've never presumed anything of me. Well you did that once, you presumably thought I was going to stay with you forever. I couldn't let us end like that - not with the fighting and the whimpering that most relationships end with. No, I ended it, I hurt you not on purpose, but to preserve what we had. The friendship.
Don't get me wrong...
I have had every intention - throughout the time I've known you - to keep you in my life, to be loyal to you. Honestly; to get you to tell me what it is you want from me. You really are the typical man, and I tell you this only because I know you can handle it - you never come out and say what it is you want. Or maybe that's the typical woman... hrm...
All the same I really do think you're the best person I've ever known and I know what I want from you. I like when you call me your wife, I want you to do that more often, I want to live with you. I want to get your life straightened out, and see you happy. I want you to hold me at night. I want to hold you every night from now on.
I want to give you your freedom...
I mean it, and I know that sounds backwards... I want to keep you, I want to let you be free... but I mean it. I want you to be happy, I want to be the one who makes you happy (gosh I hope I do.) I want you to never have to do something you don't want to do because of me.
Of course the problem is that you never seem to want to say what it is you want or want to do.
So there's a monkey wrench in the works... so what?! At least we're finally talking after all that.
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