Storytime... (KISS)

...the twisted little way I have of writing...

Monday, January 31, 2011


As I sat there, staring out the car window into the trees and the dirty dark nothing of the falling night and the slow steady snowfall, speck by speck the world is turned from mud brown and pavement black to white. Pure, unadulterated, porcelain white. I wait, watching the snow fall. Waiting for the clock to change one more minute. Then one more minute. Then one more. Closer to the time I can tell myself I have to. I have to move. Remember the falling snow. It's beautiful. I need to remember it. Porcelain white. Pure. Clean. I have to go.
Shit brown has hints of yellow in it. I know. I scrub shit off of the toilets. Speck by nasty speck, turning mud brown to porcelain white. Sometimes you have to scrape at it with your fingernails. Think of the snow falling gracefully outside. In time. In time I will be done. In time it turnes the dark world so white that it is too bright to look at. But not tonight, the night is still dark.
It is frustruating to carry another's weight on my shoulders. I told myself I refused to work for another without getting paid for it. Tonight, again, like every other night, I do another's work for them without remuneration. I really need to go to the boss about this. I scrub more shit. I mop more floors. I scrape ketchup and mustard, shit yellow, off tables until the rag I use is blood red. Touches of dust turns it brownish gray. The smell of chemicals. I glance at my co-workers. He's working. He's working. He's confused, but that one's ok, he's new. And she... is no-where to be found. I'll ask later and she'll tell me she had to go get someone an extention cord. Or take care of some ten minute job she's already spent a half-hour on, or she's dawdling somehow. She's an expert at it. Looking busy, accomplishing nothing. I'm bitter now. Scrubbing. Brown to porcelain. Chemical burns. Bitter.
I have to remember the snowfall. And hurry through the work that she should be doing. If we want to get out of here before the roads are too dangerous to travel. The snowfall. Even that beauty she turns to a bitterness and a threat. And she looks busy. Her bad judgement could have killed a co-worker the other night. Slid to a ditch. I didn't get us out fast enough. I couldn't do the work, both mine and hers, fast enough. Rather than necessary work she deems "useless work" (the shit that wastes time) to be the only proper course of action. And we end up running behind. It pisses off the supervisor too. But he isn't mad at her. I get blamed. Third night in a row I got blamed. For what? Picking up her slack?

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Rape feels like your bliss

Trying to write lyrics, I've been fucking around a lot lately with different songs trying to find just the right tune to rework the lyrics to. At the time, writing this, I was listening to 4 different songs:
Apocalyptica: I Don't Care. James Blunt: Goodbye My Llover. Tim McGraw & Faith Hill:Like We Never Loved At All. Johnny Cash: Hurt

Don't you know
How hard it is,
To hold my head up high?
My face hides it all;
Inside I cry.
A burning at my soul.
And on my knees I crawl.
I want you to understand
How hurt I really am.

And you scream at me.
About your needs.
I'm the one who's cruel?
Who's spitting blood from you?
And tell me I don't feel
Like you have felt before.
Everyday. Everyday.
The pain comes back.
When we kiss,
The pain comes back
I make a fist, it doesn't pass.
The love I felt before this
Replaced by your rage.

You get away with it
Calling me a whore
You're a piece of shit
The only one I opened up for
Or did you forget?
I forgave you.
To speak to you again
After the road's bend
And why should I have thought
You even cared at all?
I said no
You said ok,
But who ever listens
When I say no
It happens.
No more.
I'm done
I'll have no more.
No more lies. No more fights.
No more telling myself you'll change.
You've changed.

You've changed me.
One last thing please tell,
How hard is it
To pretend you haven't
Put me through hell
Or don't you see it?
Do I hide it well?

I've felt pain
I've felt shame
I've felt immortal bliss
I'm not just some joke to laugh off to your friends.
I was the only thing was real to you.
Told me I was the only one there for you.
Any more lies to sleep with me,
I'll show you what real pain is.
I'm done being manipulated.
I'm done being a shoulder to cry on.
To make me a back to lye on.
Stop saying you love me.
You don't.
You use me.
And god help me,
You get away with it one more time,
God help me.
See you don't understand
Because I truely loved you.
You were the only one I couldn't say no to.
Here's my no.
Ever again, you'll see me in court.
You piece of shit.
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